So I don't really know where I'm going with the post I just felt like talking well typing, so I'm just going to have a ramble // I have almost been in Thailand now for 2 months and I am having the most wonderful time doing as I please and not having a worry or care in the world. But having so much time to oneself does make you think and wonder what it is I should be doing or thinking. What I'm trying to say is that having all this free time if making me reflect on myself and well where it is I should be going from here. Career wise, life wise just everything really. I'm 23 now, I graduated from uni over a year ago and I feel like I have nothing to show for myself or understanding of what or really who I am as person and well I guess I'm feeling a little guilty for just packing up my stuff and taking myself across the other side of the world to just do nothing.

travel journal  ♥

The plan was to find myself whilst I'm here, I thought Thailand would help me become a more confident person and help figure out where it is in life I want to go and what I want to be doing. But I've realised that Thailand is not going to makes all these things happen, it is me who has to. I still have a long journey ahead of me and many exciting things to look forward before coming home next year, so I know maybe I'm being a little hasty or hard on myself giving I've only been here 2 months and I'm already beating myself up about it. However these last 2 months have made me realise that I'm far to content in just mooching and being, and well mooching and just being is not going to get me anywhere.

However I need to remember that I worked hard to be here and have this year out so it's fine if all I'm pursuing is a beach bum dream atm. I need to remember that and stop comparing myself to others and don't worry about what every other being is doing and where they are going. I need to stop worrying and putting pressure on myself - pressure that is not necessary. This fault I'm sure a lot of us have and find ourselves doing, it is natural to compare yourself to others but I guess it's how we look and think of ourself at the same time that gives a different outcome. I need to remember to believe in myself (I flipping should I have it tattooed on me for god sake) I'm here in Thailand being a beach bum because it is what I wanted to do and I worked hard to save and be here.

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My problem is I'm a worrier and too much time on my hands leads to me worrying. AND I'm also my own worlds worst critic which is frustrating as what other people think doesn't bother me at all, I couldn't careless. But me I'll eat myself up for days worrying something I've done isn't good enough. God at uni I was a nightmare, it would take me months of tearing out sketchbook pages before I was 98% happy with the first page. But this trait I know is what will hold me back in the future I need to be more confident in myself and what I love doing if I'm ever going to make it work.

SO having admitted to all that, I have decided that from now on whilst across the other side of the world and when I am back home of course, I am going to stop judging everything I do and just enjoy it. I guess Thailand is the perfect opportunity to plan all things future, I have so many ideas that I want to pursue once I'm home, and I guess this time is the perfect time to figure out how I can start and make these things work. I just need to stop being a scaredy cat and thinking negative 'what if..'s' and just do what it is I love.

So it's ridiculous but I feel better for typing this all down (there I go again criticising myself) ok no its not ridiculous. It is good to get things off your chest and seen as it is just me and James here, blogging it  down seemed the easier option. Lets face it men are rubbish at understanding sometimes.

Well if anyone else out there is guilty putting to much pressure on oneself. THEN stop. You are fabulous and being yourself and doing what you love is the best thing you can be and do, so enjoy it and embrace it and follow it.  Amen xo



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